Thailand fifteen

went to this amazing beach yesterday, the water came in on both sides and the snorkeling was amazing. i chased fish for hours. i have started to prepare my stomach for indian food, and have found that i may enjoy it as much as thai. the tastes are immense and it sweats from your body for atleast 24 hours, allowing the experience to last for a ridiculous ammount of time. korean honey moon season is in full swing. i am constantly surrounded by awkward korean couples that are very uncomfortable about being together in public and swim about as well as a sleeping cat. it is easy to spot a korean at the beach: they are the ones with life preservers on their bodies and enormous cameras in their palms. i literally watched this guy make his newlywed jump up and down atleast fifty times as he tried to capture the perfect jumping beach shot of his completely exhausted wife. when he finally got the shot she was dripping with the perspiration of an entire beach volleyball tournament. oh well, it will be a great shot for their mantle for years and years to come. apparently they all get married at the same time so that they can breed children at this time of year so that they are pregnant in the coldest months and raising toddlers in the following warm months. they are excellent planners, i on the other hand am about to get kicked out of thailand in four days and still do not know which country to go to next.... atleast i am not pregnant. with all of the frisky koreans constantly swimming around me, i must be very careful. very very careful.

Thailand fourteen

goodbye AC, clean towels, toilet paper, hot water, flushing toilets, roofs over bathrooms, chlorine, entourage of friends. hello again street food, bed full of inindentifiable insects, lizards on my ceiling, lizard feces in my bed, and cheap accomodation. it was nice having these amazing things back in my life but it is also nice to leave them again. life is once again very simple, a practice that i would highly reccommend everyone to invite into their own lives even if with the smallest of changes. do you really need a bigger house, a nicer car, expensive jeans? with torrential rain storms here i am left to comtemplate the world in which we are all are living in a hammock, on my bungalow porch, next to a chicken farm, on a moutain side, on an island, in thailand. this is probably not a fair place to make such an assessment but it is what it is.

the chicken farm is not peaceful neighbor, when given such a ridiculously cheap rate on the bungalow from the crazy burmese lady i thought that i was the winner. after hundreds of chicken cries at 430am of my first morning i realize that it was me who was played for a fool. i have searched my room high and dry for grenades, guns, rocket launchers, even a stupid sling shot. anything to kill atleast a quarter of these chickens that now rule my awakening. but i realize that i am not in cambodia anymore and these weapons are no longer accessible. all i can do is continue to order chicken from the menu knowing that i taste the blood of my neighbors with every bite into their relatives flesh. laugh at me now crazy burmese lady.

Thailand thirteen

well i did thailand quite a favor yestersay. i ventured back to koh samui to visit the beautiful immigration office where i extended my stay for ten days. what a place that is. ex-pats from every anglo nation rolling in with their half aged thai wives to stay for another year or so. some have been stuck here for a year, others for twenty or thirty. thailand is hard to leave but ten days will have to suffice for now. i was joined there by two other very noteworthy americans each with quite a story of their own. first, phil a fifty five year old los angeles native who has been living in koh samui off of a lawsuit that he settled with his ex-wife for the last six years. he wears no shirt, jean shorts, and looks like a cross between billy idol and brian bosworth but has the same haircut as billy ray cyress but bright white. this guy was everything that a young child should aspire to be. the next suspect, joe. joe is a morbibly overweight northern new jersey native with a tattoo of his pit bull "april" (named after his late mother) on one calf and a picture of his bike on the other (naturally). he has been here for fifteen years and is now fully equipped with a very attractive thai wife and three kids. he also has a ford truck which he made a point in telling me twice. why do i always become engaged in conversations with such cartoon characters? i am like a weirdo suction cup.

i am now on the beautiful island of koh tao. most travelers that i talk to claim this island to be their favorite. despite the almost constant rain since i have arrived i can see why. it is very small with a huge laid back town and has beautiful rocks sticking out of the water everywhere lining desolate white sand beaches that are quite a hike to find. there was some sort of crazy bug storm last night where millions of these moth type creatures collapsed upon the earths surface and completely freaked me out as i was trying to ride home on my moto bike. did someone recently give birth to a beautiful baby girl? (last picture)

Thailand twelve

we have guys in american flag speedos dancing on tables and canada represents with girls in thongs... come on america. step it up. i really did not feel right leaving you with just five pictures of the full moon party so here are a few more to help try and describe to you in this mundane form of mass communication. i have also put together several skits to help in explaining the madness of koh phangan during this global gathering of very thoroughly selected party all-stars and lost souls from everywhere, zimbabwe to japan. these i will save for you when i see you all in person. i have created diaramas so i will not forget. the sky was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen as it rose in the morning and when the sun finally appeared the crowds went crazy. i have never felt so wide awake at 645 am.

one hilarious trend that is following me closely around southeast asia is their love for terrible american music. the most popular song right now is "put your hands up for detroit." i find this absolutely hilarious especially because i have now met two people that when talking about where they would like to visit in the states, they mention detroit along with other international fan favorites nyc (rightly so) and los angeles (not rightly so). watch out detroit tourism bureau (if it even exists) you may be seeing an influx of europeans in your great city before too long. as for my other american music catastrophe, how about the mama and the papas remixed into club music. there is nothing like sweating your shirt off in a thai club and hearing songs from the forrest gump soundtrack.

Thailand eleven

back to reality. been in koh phangan for the last few days, the host island of the notorious full moon party which was two nights/days ago. i really cant be sure when it started or when it actually ended. the first day here i ran into a thai guy at the 7-11 who was wearing a futbol uniform and had a ball in his moto-bike basket. i asked him if i could play and he hesitantly agreed. myself nor my legs were prepared for a full ninety minute mens league game. nonetheless it was a great experience and the squad and we celebrated a 3-2 victory at the local pub. by the end of this trip i should have more caps than tony meola. we also hit up a muay thai boxing match which taught me a valuable lesson of never underestimating the ability of a 90 lb man kicking my ass.

full moon party... absolutely the heavy weight champion of the world as far as parties are concerned. i have never seen anything close to this social phenomenom and i have been to three bo bice concerts. thousands of people on the beach painted in flourescent paints, black lights, music blaring, people jump roping over fire ropes, monkeys, and a man who may have single handidly crushed the value of the dollar (pictured above). it went on for two straight days and nights, it was very exhausting but some of the most fun i have ever had. a great ending to my friends trip who left this morning. back to solo cruising, probably going to stay here for a couple more days to get my head straight. and yes that is a majical unicorn painted on my chest.

Thailand ten

the fire shows here are absolutely amazing. there is a picture here but this cannot begin to describe how crazy these fire juggling experts are. kids, women, they are all throwing fire around like a experimental eleven year old in the woods behind their house. we hiked up like four thousand stairs to see the sunset which was remarkable but for those of you that dont know, you can also see the sun from the beach which is about nine steps out of my bungalow door.

in southern thailand there is a mix of muslims and buddhists, you can always tell the muslims because they are typically scared to death of dogs. this is a late post so i will just leave you with these pictures and write my next blog which will be up to date. please excuse my irresponsibility.

Thailand nine

first and foremost... i would like to wish a very happy birthday to the most beautiful lady in the world, my mom. without her, the blog would not exist and all of you would be forced to play three games of solitare for your first six minutes at work instead of checking this sight.

phi phi was once again a very hard place to leave and somewhere that will surely find me again in the future. as we were leaving i congratulated everyone that was on the incoming ferry. spending time with five great friends has been great, the biggest problem is the amount of time that it takes to make any decision. i would guess that we waste an average of forty to fifty minutes just standing around in a circle trying to come to a consensus on everything. where to eat dinner is like trying to put a new law through congress.

it is amazing how very different every island in thailand is, each with its own unique personality and landscape. we left phi phi for koh samui which i would describe as the south beach of thailand. techno music and tight black ribbed turtle neck sleeveless shirts out at night.

(sidenote: did some laundry in phi phi and got back about half of my clothes, the other half were a combination of ecko and fubu sized medium t-shirts and armani boxers. the confrontation with the laundry lady about proper business ethics was absolutely classic) my eighth grade mexican boy mustache, mold spotted t-shirt, and ripped shorts arent exactly the cats meow in a place like this. i gave the boys a dose of moto-bike fever today and we escaped without injury but a couple of us did manage to be pulled over by the authorities for lack of license plates. about ten minutes with the chief of police using my most silver tongue was enough for him to wave the tickets and send us on our way. headed to the notorious full moon party tomorrow on koh phangan... sure that will be laid back and restful.

Thailand eight (bonus)

Thailand eight

some days are simply better than others. yesterday was that day. we have escaped from the dreadful phuket and arrived in the amazing phi phi island. small beach town that was ravaged by the tsunami in 2004 but has come quite a long way since. in comparison to koh chang it is a little pricey but still dirt cheap.

we cruised to the outlying islands on an old wooden boat with little idea of what we were headed for. first stop some minor climbing and cliff jumping off the face of these incredible rock formations that emerge from perfect blue water. the colors are stunning, turqouise water with green shades of moss covered red an gray rock islands. this is a place to see. the water was crystal clear and loaded with fish of every color, the snorkeling was not bad at all. the first cliffs turned were just a warm up for the second set. we climbed up this makeshift wood and rope ladder to this overhanging rock standing about 70ft from the water below. standing at the top and looking down was kind of like being followed by a policeman with his lights on multiplied by thirty. no turning back but leaning just a slight bit to the side on the way down was what really hurt. morphine please. now i know how it feels to be a running back on a terrible team. the whole left side of my body feels like it was hit by a mack truck.

we then went to maya bay, where the movie "the beach" was filmed. it is hard to judge but it is definitely on my short list of the most beautiful places on earth. it really is the perfect beach and to try and explain in the form of times new roman would be a travesty. monkey beach on the way back to phi phi island which was exactly what it sounds like. beautiful secluded beach with perfect white sand and clear blue water with monkeys everywhere. rabies shot please. looking back on the day puts a smile on my face and to think the reality of it all hasnt even sunk in yet....

there is a bird in a cage outside of my bungalow. last night i opened the door to let the bird go free. this morning when i woke up the bird was still in the cage with the door wide open. moral of the story: dont live your life like this stupid bird.

Lady boy one (special edition)

lady boys... what are these creatures and where do they come from? i have seen monkeys throwing their own feces at tourists, i have seen elephants walking the streets, i have seen some pretty crazy stuff but nothing can beat the lady boy phenomenom that has taken over thailand. they are everywhere, in varying stages of ladyboyism. some are just getting started, still with adams apple and without chest enhancement. others have been in the game for quite some time and you cannot tell what they are. they are old, they are young, they are 5ft tall, they are taller than me. they all scare me.

we have created a team called "the assume dude squad." you must always presume that it is a man, no matter how attractive your brain tells you that it is. if you do come to thailand, dont worry too much about avian flu or malaria. there is a much more dangerous disease that no doctor can prescribe medication for. it is the lady boy.